Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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