that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
