I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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