Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
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