I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I have tasted many bathrooms
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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