I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I enjoy the company of your penis
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
