Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
