i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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