Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
