theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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