There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
