On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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