apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
