If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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