I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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