The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Randomize
