Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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