If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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