So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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