i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I have surprise drugs for everyone
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
