in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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