The maid of honor just puked.
this beer tastes like vomit already
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
