I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
