Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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