Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
