She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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