I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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