oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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