I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
