I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
