I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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