Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
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