you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Randomize
