I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
