ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
