Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
