It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
