it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Floor bacon is actually really good
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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