im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
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