we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
