I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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