who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
My dick has a subreddit
When are your genitals available?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
