oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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