Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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