Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
