I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
