Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Randomize
