Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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