Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
she smelled like a LAN party
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
