the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
