mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
