need another drink. this is the easiest way
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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