I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
