remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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