I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
