She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
