Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
