Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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