Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
